Hey, you! Welcome to the little corner of Cosmo that we call Free Therapy. We're glad you're here. This is where we take reader questions—about family feuds, work woes, friendship fiascos, mental health headaches, and everything in between—and get answers on how to deal from our advice columnist extraordinaire, therapist Minaa B.
If you need help setting boundaries, standing up to your boss, or finding the right words when talking to your toxic mom...you're in the right place. And if you've got questions of your own for Minaa, send 'em right here: [email protected]. No health insurance (or $$$ at all, for that matter) required.
Dear Minaa,
My bestie and I have been super close since we were kids—we sold Girl Scout cookies together, shared the same middle school crush (he still doesn’t know!), and whispered secrets late into the night at every childhood sleepover. She truly knows me better than anyone else does.
But lately, our relationship has hit a bit of a pause. I think it’s because she’s simply...not living her best life at the moment. Her career is stagnant, her mental health is in rough shape after a bad breakup, she has a lot of credit card debt, and (understandably) she’s not happy about any of it. I, however, am kind of killing it. My relationship, career, finances—they’re all in a great place. I completely understand how lucky I am, and I want to share my happiness with my friend. But whenever I do, I feel bad because I know her situation. And she always *seems* excited for me, but she never really follows up.
Again, I don’t blame her, but I’m really sad that we’ve been talking less than we used to—it’s hard to connect on anything because we’re on such different pages. And when we do talk, I worry it seems like I come to her only to brag about my life—even though I just want her to be part of that life.
I truly believe that celebrating each other’s successes should be a keystone of our friendship, but am I wrong? Am I damaging her mental health further by making her feel like she’s only falling more and more behind?
Dear Reader,
What seems to be happening here is something called comparative suffering. It’s when we measure someone else’s pain, decide their problems are bigger than ours, and start to suppress our own emotions to tend to theirs. It’s a mindset that isn’t helpful for you, your friend, or your relationship.
Yes, it is important to recognize what your friend is going through and to have compassion for her, but in order to have a sound bond, you have to show up as your full self. If you’re dimming your light in an attempt to be supportive, your own needs aren’t being met—and reciprocity is part of what makes a friendship a safe space to begin with. I know your friend’s lack of follow-up might hurt. But it sounds like she is honoring the relationship by being excited for you, and she doesn’t seem to be downplaying anything, which is great. This is evidence that she’s mindful of your feelings (also great). She might not be actively digging deeper into your love life or career now because (1) she doesn’t know you want her to, (2) she’s super focused on figuring out how to get on track herself, or (3) she feels a sense of jealousy (which isn’t a bad thing!) or grief about her own job or breakup. Any or all of these motivations are totally normal.
Whatever her reasons, try not to take it personally. Instead, remind yourself that your friend needs time to process how your conversations make her feel. Hiding your achievements doesn’t give her the tools she needs to overcome any of her own uncomfortable emotions.
If you’d like to have a heart-to-heart and you’re truly cool with whatever feedback she gives you, go ahead and ask her how your news makes her feel. Say something like, “I care about you and I know all the things you’ve been dealing with, so if it’s ever difficult to hear any of my updates, let me know.”
If she admits it’s tough, try to appreciate that she’s comfortable enough to be real, and remember that her feelings about this actually have nothing to do with you. From there, you might choose to hold off on day-by-day updates and share your good news with other friends for a while. Then check in with your best friend in a week or a month to see how she’s doing. You’ll be able to hear about her progress and decide if it makes sense to try again. Remember: Relationships are a dance between compromise and boundaries.
In general, though, and for what it’s worth, your exciting news might actually be helpful to her. Being exposed to joy and rewards is a huge motivator, and it fosters a feeling called co-regulation. That’s when one person’s steady nervous system (in this case, yours) helps regulate another’s (your friend’s). Meaning you can serve as an emotionally stabilizing force even if you’re just hanging out and catching up. You’re doing okay, and by proxy, she could see herself getting there too. Sharing the happy stuff deposits into the relationship—it doesn’t withdraw from it.
The bottom line: You’re not damaging your friend’s mental health. Sharing your success is part of being in a friendship, and even though she’s going through a tough time, you’re not doing her a favor by keeping your accomplishments secret. And it never hurts to ask how she really feels. If you don’t let this period of your lives taint your history together, your friendship can be as close as—or even closer than—it once was.
